Oh my. I feel for you. It''s so hard to watch them struggle with those routine things and imagine the anxiety when they know they can't do what used to be so easy for them.
Thank you for sharing this snapshot of your time with your father. Driving is a tough issue, often connected to others. It sounds as if you acted with great compassion.
I hear you, Kevin! Sending over some BIG empathy. I can't remember the exact year - perhaps 2008, my Dad had a small stroke, which led to impaired vision. He was turning 67 years of age. So, it was the ophthalmologist who declared him unfit to drive. Dad had small incremental downturns as he had several health conditions but he still soldiered on with stoicism. 2015 was the free-fall drop, that left little space for adjustment. He'd prepared himself and us for his passing but not for long-term need for care - this is true of the majority of us all I think. So we had to do a painful HARD pivot. I'll be sharing more of that in an article at some point.
Your article echoes the angst, frustration, and communication issues of many adult children caring for their parents or in-laws. It's further complicated by old family baggage, stories, dynamics repeating themselves. Misinterpretations or arguments have led to some big blow-outs and rifts in several families I've encountered in Carer forums online. Siblings and with the parents themselves.
I'll restack this post to help raise awareness of these issues.
Thanks Victoria. I, too, empathize with your situation back then. When I started doing his grocery shopping during the pandemic lockdown, I was buying most of what was on his list. That was until his social worker warned me that his diet had too much sodium, which could trigger a stroke. I cut that in half, and that annoyed him. Annoyed him so much, he was sneaking out to the store. I’m not proud of this, but I tried to scare him into behaving, like a 10 year old. “I’m worried about you having a stroke… and surviving, with all kinds of complications,” I told him. That just led to him, lying to me for the next 10 months or so. Luckily, he was a bad liar. But it made me sad that he felt he had to lie to me.
Aww Kevin, I SO hear you. Fear-love, scared-love is a tough emotion. It's hard to control our own emotions and harder to see it in our loved ones as well. I won't give any 'simple' words here. Each of us is a complex human, will-FULL and brimming with independent thoughts and emotions. Trying to decipher ourselves is hard enough and then trying to care/help others...For my parents and I, there was no one single moment where things clicked (Dad had vascular dementia but was broadly ok). There were hundreds of thousands of small moments building complicity. Managing my expectations of them AND esp. myself was also very tough!
Kevin. You are the best and I know how well you were. You must have had a cocktail when you were at your house. Take care and see you soon. Phil & Pearl
This post is bitter sweet for me. I remember the days not that very long ago when he, sometimes we, used to drive up and down California and to the desert. He was such a good driver and could cover the distance without the need to stop. Another thing I found fascinating was his memory and knowledge. These things I will remember. The struggle about getting old is real.
I was lucky. My dad Vincenzo voluntarily gave up driving and gave away his car before I came from Colorado to take hospice care of him in Mountain View. At 86 he was concerned that he not harm anyone
Kevin, this is both beautiful and heart-breaking. I am facing a similar situation with my dad in the near future. I am hoping some of your strength rubs off on me. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Cherie. 2022-23 was a rough period, but if it wasn't for the pandemic, my dad probably would have been able to hide his struggles, leading to a more devastating fall(s) or even worse, a car accident. When I tell elderly people what I went through with him, trying to get him to stop driving, they empathize but also look at me as if to say, "I'm not giving up my keys either!" Losing your independence is so hard.
I agree, it is so hard! Dad and Mom still have each other and between the two of them they manage, but Mom admits that neither of them would be able to live alone anymore. Dad insists he'd be fine, but he doesn't cook or clean or order prescriptions or pay bills or deal with insurance or or or or... Sigh!
Hi Kevin, Your post sure brought back memories. How did your Dad receive the news? My husband refused to hear it - no one was telling him what to do. He would sneak out and try anyway.
Oh my. I feel for you. It''s so hard to watch them struggle with those routine things and imagine the anxiety when they know they can't do what used to be so easy for them.
Thank you for sharing this snapshot of your time with your father. Driving is a tough issue, often connected to others. It sounds as if you acted with great compassion.
Thanks Sarah. 🙏
I hear you, Kevin! Sending over some BIG empathy. I can't remember the exact year - perhaps 2008, my Dad had a small stroke, which led to impaired vision. He was turning 67 years of age. So, it was the ophthalmologist who declared him unfit to drive. Dad had small incremental downturns as he had several health conditions but he still soldiered on with stoicism. 2015 was the free-fall drop, that left little space for adjustment. He'd prepared himself and us for his passing but not for long-term need for care - this is true of the majority of us all I think. So we had to do a painful HARD pivot. I'll be sharing more of that in an article at some point.
Your article echoes the angst, frustration, and communication issues of many adult children caring for their parents or in-laws. It's further complicated by old family baggage, stories, dynamics repeating themselves. Misinterpretations or arguments have led to some big blow-outs and rifts in several families I've encountered in Carer forums online. Siblings and with the parents themselves.
I'll restack this post to help raise awareness of these issues.
Thanks Victoria. I, too, empathize with your situation back then. When I started doing his grocery shopping during the pandemic lockdown, I was buying most of what was on his list. That was until his social worker warned me that his diet had too much sodium, which could trigger a stroke. I cut that in half, and that annoyed him. Annoyed him so much, he was sneaking out to the store. I’m not proud of this, but I tried to scare him into behaving, like a 10 year old. “I’m worried about you having a stroke… and surviving, with all kinds of complications,” I told him. That just led to him, lying to me for the next 10 months or so. Luckily, he was a bad liar. But it made me sad that he felt he had to lie to me.
Aww Kevin, I SO hear you. Fear-love, scared-love is a tough emotion. It's hard to control our own emotions and harder to see it in our loved ones as well. I won't give any 'simple' words here. Each of us is a complex human, will-FULL and brimming with independent thoughts and emotions. Trying to decipher ourselves is hard enough and then trying to care/help others...For my parents and I, there was no one single moment where things clicked (Dad had vascular dementia but was broadly ok). There were hundreds of thousands of small moments building complicity. Managing my expectations of them AND esp. myself was also very tough!
Kevin. You are the best and I know how well you were. You must have had a cocktail when you were at your house. Take care and see you soon. Phil & Pearl
Thanks Phil and Pearl. 🙏🏻
This post is bitter sweet for me. I remember the days not that very long ago when he, sometimes we, used to drive up and down California and to the desert. He was such a good driver and could cover the distance without the need to stop. Another thing I found fascinating was his memory and knowledge. These things I will remember. The struggle about getting old is real.
Thanks for sharing Beatrice. 🙏🏻
I was lucky. My dad Vincenzo voluntarily gave up driving and gave away his car before I came from Colorado to take hospice care of him in Mountain View. At 86 he was concerned that he not harm anyone
Wow! You are one of the lucky ones. I've heard so many stories about people, who don't give up their keys until an accident forces them to.
Kevin, this is both beautiful and heart-breaking. I am facing a similar situation with my dad in the near future. I am hoping some of your strength rubs off on me. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Cherie. 2022-23 was a rough period, but if it wasn't for the pandemic, my dad probably would have been able to hide his struggles, leading to a more devastating fall(s) or even worse, a car accident. When I tell elderly people what I went through with him, trying to get him to stop driving, they empathize but also look at me as if to say, "I'm not giving up my keys either!" Losing your independence is so hard.
I agree, it is so hard! Dad and Mom still have each other and between the two of them they manage, but Mom admits that neither of them would be able to live alone anymore. Dad insists he'd be fine, but he doesn't cook or clean or order prescriptions or pay bills or deal with insurance or or or or... Sigh!
Hi Kevin, Your post sure brought back memories. How did your Dad receive the news? My husband refused to hear it - no one was telling him what to do. He would sneak out and try anyway.
He tried to ignore the advice. He only stopped because he could no longer get down from his second story apartment on his own. 🙁
Guess he couldn't argue with that or ignore it.
Your post sure brought back memories. How did you tell him that he could no longer drive? My husband refused to hear that information.